I miss my daughter, it feels like a terrible thing to say but as I have made it to the first birthday of my son I find myself realising just how much that has encroached on our time. I would not reverse the clock, I adore my George but there is much that has changed and the things I find myself with a lack of are time, patience and attentiveness and these things are so important to any child. I get the guilt. Another dimension of mum guilt, one that I didn’t have the hindsight to predict.
My daughter is happy, like the most happy and delightful child I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and I am so lucky that she is mine but I feel like I am missing a lot of this to tend to her brother. I am lucky because she loves the (not so new) newcomer more than words can possibly describe and this love is likely to be the ultimate remedy for anything she may be lacking following his arrival. That’s what family brings, it supplies you with what you need even before you know you need it.
I think that maybe I need Millie right now more than she needs me, I miss her more than she misses me and this, I think, is because she has adapted so gracefully into being a family of one child to that of two and it really should be celebrated. Unfortunately I need my Millie fix, I need our previously I disturbed chats about unicorns, I need time to do crafts with her instead of being too scared of George choking on the beads, coating himself in glitter and eating the glue, and more than anything right now I want her to sleep in my bed and spend the night kicking me.
I think the main reason that this hurts the way it does is because of the age gap, it had been a massive 7 years between having to put any other persons needs above my daughter. I got all of her and she got all of me.
The guilt is stupid because she is still my ray of light and the fact that I have been blessed with another ray is extraordinar and the love the new brings is new, it doesn’t half what you have it doubles.
Please tell me I’m not crazy and this is completely normal.