Daily Mail Mother Hating.

I read an extremely rude article (obviously a daily mail special) about how fashionable it is to be a selfish mother, drink a lot of gin and confess to the moments your mothering has been a little under par. I get it, I write openly about how hard parenthood can be and I want so desperately to remove the stigma that plagues us all with having to be the best at something that is so notoriously hard for many of us but we need to do this with a degree of restraint because glamourising dysfunctional behaviour can be very damaging. The ‘instamum’ fad is something that I follow because it’s somewhat interesting but it is far from my life, I often blog about the difficulties of every day life with a baby and child and all the washing and the bloody bottles and before that the problems I had with boob feeding but it is all required to raise my little humans. I laugh at the size of my butt and the hangover I may have once a year when I dare to make that trip back into normality, BUT to me and many other mums it is not normality! I cannot afford to drink fancy gin infused with the flowers from a Beatrix Potter like garden, I cannot afford the beautiful shoes and all the fancy clothes, I cannot afford to resume my previous job and benefit from some of the freedom that may allow. I am not bitter, I have two gorgeous children and the last thing I want to do is be judgemental but what we should do is take the things we see with a pinch of salt because these mumma’s with the thousands of followers on social media may not be portraying the reality of their life (barely anyone does these days) and in allowing others to see what makes them popular as the norm of their life may lead to the imitation of this and it could become dangerous. Let’s face it all that gin they apparently consume may be a lie, and if it isn’t they may have a really good support network of people that help them out with their busy social life.
Essentially what I am trying to say in the most nonjudgmental way possible is that for the vast majority of us parents we cannot simply (and I do not believe we should either) slip children into our lives, we need to adapt and change to what they need. It is hard to retain your original identity when you have children, and I am not saying that you will never get it back or that at times it is not okay for it to make a comeback whilst you are at the bar drinking shots but that is not the reality your children need as a common occurrence. Children need to come first, that’s right I have to take a back seat with my own needs and wants to fulfil what I want for my children. I choose to populate, I need to ensure that I do it to my best abilities.
I also am suffering from postnatal depression and anxiety and whilst I do my best at as mum I can sometimes see the lifestyles of others who are more confident, outgoing and relaxed mothers and want a slice of that, I know my limitations and I cannot afford myself to slip into the bad habits of lazy parenting because it would be so detrimental for me. Remove the stigma of accepting that some days are a little shit, some weeks, some months even, do not glamorise the notion of being a mother that doesn’t care (not saying that they don’t) is okay. You get me?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4508726/Why-women-boasting-slummy-mummies.html

 

Sharing

You would imagine a baby/toddler/child who is constantly demanding that they are entitled to half if not more of everything you have would get the concept of bloody sharing but hay it’s just not that easy. With the eyes (and later mouths) that scream ‘I want that food’, ‘I need the remote’ (regardless of the fact that they are indeed about to change their channel and then hissy fit about that shit) and the most parent humiliating ‘give me that toy before I end you’. Nope. Nope. Nope again. Sharing is the super hard thing that not only teaches the child a valuable life lesson I would hazard a guess shortens a parents life by approximately 5 years, it can be utterly gruelling and you may find yourself saying the same sentence more times than you thought possible. The other real fucker about this sharing malarkey is that, of course with every other achievement, it comes at different times for all children! It is hard to find the tactics that work and sometimes it’s a case that they get there eventually after a painstaking play date where you nearly drop kicked little Sally. Another thing, when do the little grabbers even have the require capacity to learn this important social skill? Socialising with your tiny human can indeed be traumatic, I find I worry a lot less about the other children participating than I do mine which I watch like a hawk to make sure they are sharing but with that there is always the secret judgement of ‘that parent doesn’t care that their little boy has jumped the queue to the slide 15 times’ thought in the back of your mind. Now this is where we need to be giving that parent a break because who knows what sort of parenting shit they need a break from, we all do it, we all let these things slip and the benefit of the doubt goes a long way. However repeat offenders will be hung for their sins (just kidding). I guess I’m asking for patience for those still teaching the value of sharing and a little bit of slack.

13st 10Ilbs

Before lunch.

I don’t know what it is about these numbers that cause me so much upset but if I am being honest they really do. My body is an issue to me, I don’t like it and I’m almost certain that I never will. This is not a blog that is going to inspire self acceptance or give you some bullshit speech about how perfect you are because quite frankly I’ve just told you hate my body, it’s also unlikely I’ve ever seen your’s, you don’t need my validation it won’t help you at all and lastly it is none of my business. But it is a business, a very lucrative one and if we consider that then maybe we can jump to the conclusion no one has a perfect body because how the fuck would they continue to make money out of us. We are not encouraged or allowed to feel good about ourselves.

Take plus size models for an example, how fucking fabulous do they look? They have their cellulite airbrushed out, they have their hair and makeup done professionally and they have a perfect skin tone all over. So is that the reality of being plus size?

I have never been happy with my weight and the acceptance of it hasn’t been in short supply, my partner loves my body and the way I look but it’s just not enough and I don’t think I’ll ever know what is enough. Some preach self love and I’m not saying that doesn’t work and many of you may have this but I don’t think that the confidence it takes is in huge supply. In short I’m trying and it’s not for me it’s for my daughter, a 7 year old I never want to have the internal conflict and struggle of who she is. I don’t want my son to grow up to become a man not only aware of this type of self doubt but who may use it in an emotionally damaging way.

There are women who work out 7 days a week, there are some that skip meals, there are even some that try to put on weight and those who are happy are often fucking shamed for this. We don’t value confidence but we strive for it

Basically there is no right just wrong, my favourite example of this is shaving adverts where the model shaves a hairless leg because the existence of hair means you’re lazy or dirty or unkempt. I don’t know how I’m going to do it but I’m trying to feel right about being wrong. I’m sharing this not to tell you what you think you want or need to hear, I’m doing it because you’re not alone

Below, I never wear matching underwear, I have a hole in these pants and the red line around my tummy is from my tights. My legs stick together. My skin is blotchy. I don’t like it but I’m going to do what I can to like it.

International Women’s Day.

It’s international women’s day and I’m going to take this opportunity to be brutally honest about what it’s like being a women, this obviously differs dependant on everyone’s social backgrounds and their lifestyles and careers etc.

I have never been held back by a man like I have by women, I have never been made to feel as horrendous by men as I have by women and so when I think about equality my first thoughts are how we need to first obtain mutual respect for each other as women before we can gain what we want from men.

I don’t wish to dismiss the pressing requirement for equal pay, equal opportunities, as well as freedom over our bodies (amongst other things) but on a day like today when we share bullshit sentiments of sisterhood I laugh at the notion this exists in the way that we portray it.

We have our girlfriends but many of us (if we’re being honest) view other women as a threat, whether that be physically or intellectually. I have a friend who makes me feel like shit every time I see her, on every occasion she does what she can to make me feel stupid, uncomfortable, and often less of a mother than her and however much I search I cannot find the reason for this. Girls at school were mean to me for countless reasons, I wasn’t popular, I had to work hard for the merely average grades I got, I liked different music, I read, I wasn’t as pretty as them, let alone all the reasons I didn’t know.

Sexual freedom and expression of sexuality is something women champion but I have been called a slut by women, never men. I have been made to feel bad about my body and sexuality, I have heard horrible rumours and the nasty things said about me.

At work I have been held back and stripped of my confidence by women. I have had my mental health laughed at by women, I have heard the things they have said about me and the jokes they have made behind my back. I have had all my hard work knocked out of me and all my knowledge used and never thanked for. I was called ‘unmanageable’, I was told not to try too hard, not to have passion. I was told to be 6/10 to make me less threatening and told to be less dedicated, take work less seriously. I was hated by some and laughed at by others.

I remember a set of friends making me feel so bad that I pretended to be ill for a week so I could have a break from them.

More recently I remember another women’s glee in telling me about problems in a previous relationship alluding to issues with my weight that has scarred me for life.

By women I have been called a slut, a cunt, ugly, fat, dirty, average, boring.

So if you learn anything from today please let it be to either become the women you post about and support your ladies like you claim to or skip celebrations of a international women’s day.

please consider helping a sister out with education and the ongoing education of children, please donate and share:

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/rebecca-goozee

Won’t Somebody Think Of The Children

When raising the tiny little humans that can quite honestly drive you to the brink of insanity at least 3 times a day it is easy to forget the huge affect that external influences have upon moulding them into the adult they become. Often we cannot control the impact that others have on them, on their attitudes, on their success and on their failings but there are very important people that don’t get the credit that they deserve when it comes to the raising of our children, their teachers. I understand that a teacher is never constant but with any good, loving teacher their aim certainly is and its to nourish the mind. I was shocked when Millie became such a wiz with numbers and equally devastated when she told me she doesn’t like literacy but with the help of a fabulous teacher she can excel in the subject she loves whilst reaching the massively important milestones in the subject she hates.

I have no predetermined plan for my children, although if they can become millionaires that would be preferable, I just want them to succeed in what they love and do the absolute best that they can. When you ask those who have gone on to obtain higher education, to maybe teach themselves who have been the great influences in their lives many will sight their favourite teachers, and many of those will be the teachers that had accrued so much knowledge in their lifetimes that they truly grabbed and guided the minds of others.

The reason that I am writing this is with an agenda, my sister is one such teacher, she has taken children and helped mould them into what they want to become, she has helped children through gruelling GCSEs, she has received the wonderful letters from them and their parents. My sister is doing the last year of her masters and is on the edge of leaving due to funding and so I am imploring you to please give, give lots, give a little, give only what you can because my sister is the teacher I want my children to know, the fiercely knowledgeable guide that they deserve.

We give our children so trustingly into the hands of teachers and we hope that they will assist them on the journey of life and help them find the callings that maybe we will miss. Please give and please share.

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/rebecca-goozee

 

Identity crisis. 

I don’t know where I am going with this but I wanted to know how we identify with ourselves, what we are and how we use our attributes to relate to others. It comes with a lot of change in how we have grown as a society during recent years, mainly surrounding LGBT 🏳️‍🌈. I am extremely liberal and embrace all differences in people, I have children and whoever they become in their future I will be proud as long as they are happy, what concerns me is how the evolution of society will affect us moving forward. Mainly with the neutralisation of gender, if we are campaigning to lose the pronouns of our gender what will that do?

I am regularly seeing massive fashion corporations using models of different sexes and varieties where they had previously not been, I embrace men, women, trans but when is it exploitation? When is the use of (for example) plus size models going to become unfashionable and then the fallout seen? Have we considered (with no disrespect or prejudice) the possible negative repercussions of this?

Society regularly evolves, social media has opened up so many avenues of expression, and personally I think that is wonderful however it has also lead me to be highly critical of my life, I can casually delve into the world of others and compare myself to unrealistic standards. I can strive to take on the character of other people but essentially I am myself and it can be hard to embrace that. I see this on the platform of motherhood. It can be painful to scrutinise yourself but to actively allow the media to adopt temporarily something they deem as fashionable about a certain set of people, women, men, mothers, children and use it until it’s no longer wanted can cause damage, I am sure.

I don’t want to see the embracing of ‘LGBT’ to be a phase that is exploited and then disregarded. If we as people allow the influence of neutralisation to evolve we don’t make everyone equal, we make the differences between us indistinguishable. Variety is the spice of life. Do not take this away simply to gain a misguided sense of unity, being liberal and accepting who we all are should be enough, I just really don’t want to see people stripped of their identities.

Let’s not raise arseholes

The internet is a scary place, like literally terrifying at times, when you’re a women you are bombarded by pictures of unrealistic standards of beauty (I cannot relate (due to the lack of willy) to men, but I’m sure it can be the same) for example they can literally cripple how I feel about myself, yes I can be that insecure. But this post isn’t about all the women that look better than me. It’s about all the mum envy out there. We all have different ways of caring for our young, some promote breast over bottle, or self led weening over making all your meals into smoothies for your babies, or the carrying mum vs the pram lady.

I want to just say, whatever you are doing is great!

I recently read that Russel Brand is going to raise his daughter ‘gender neutral’ and I cannot come to a reasonable thought as to why this is being done? Do people really do this? Why don’t we all just raise our bubs with acceptance? Accepting who they are as well as who others are. Let’s not raise arseholes. I want to bring George up as a feminist, backing his female counterparts. George has a mum and a sister and aunts etc, I want him to value them as much as he will himself. Millie needs to as supportive to her brother as I expect him to be to her, do you get it? Love each other, embrace what makes up similar and what makes us different.

It’s crazy that as mums we are under as much pressure as we are from external avenues, as if not coping with enormous responsibility of raising a decent human being is not hard enough! Sometimes I have to detach myself from all the wonderful mums I follow on Instagram and remind myself that we are all just trying to do a good job and some people do it looking like a super star and sometime I do it looking like a potato…in my defence I’m getting about 4 hours sleep a night. Anyway he is awake so I’m signing off.

Just a passing thought. Peace.