I have written a lot of blogs about motherhood and my body and shit that goes down in this household but I’m actually gonna come clean about the person that I am the majority of the time. Nervous.
I said it I’m nervous, I’m a worrier and I panic about everything. I’m not blaming this on environment or upbringing it’s just the way I am. I seem incredibly outgoing when I’m out and that is for because of the sad fact I feel like people have to like me, I crave acceptance from others and that’s exhausting. I have one close friend, big up Bridie, and she is my close friend because there are no judgements and expectations, she will often tell me that I have to leave my house because I think she knows how lonely I get.
‘The Flakey Mumma’ I’ve adopted this title because I’m flakey and that’s as a result of the fear I have to commitment, I honestly worry that I’m not liked, my company not enjoyed and I have nothing to offer in regards to socialising with others. I push people away with this stance because quite frankly why would you keep trying to convince another person to be part of your life when you feel that they can’t be bothered?
I spend most of my time in my house, I don’t get out tons. I have some friends that I talk to occasionally but I sometimes feel like I am bothering them with how needy I can be. Independent people scare me, people who have their shit together scare me. I have been known to be quite social but for me that generally comes at a cost of a huge intake of alcohol and having people laugh at my poor decision making, having people laugh at drunk me. That became addictive and very destructive and I didn’t like the person I was so I have chosen to not be that person, I don’t want Millie having the same insecurities as me and the same social hang ups. I don’t want her to be the women that gets drunk to feel accepted and then encourages this haha I’ve done something stupid attitude to feel part of a friendship group. It hurts that I allowed this of myself.
I don’t want that, I don’t want to do that and I don’t want to feel as though I’m missing out on an important strong female support network of friends because I don’t feel comfortable with who I am. The honest part of this is that I know I have secluded myself because of how I act in social situations. I act and play out the mess in my life, something I’m not proud of and it’s fucked up and messes me up. I’ve done this for years to gain acceptance and I guess I now know that it’s not the person I want to be and that comes at the cost of feeling comfortable for who I am.
If anyone has felt like this don’t feel bad for people not understanding why you are not as involved as you used to be or why you choose not to put yourself back there. It’s a downward spiral and I’d rather be sat on my sofa knowing I’m not going to make a fool out of myself for other people to laugh at (this is because of me not always them).
I’m trying very hard at self acceptance.