This blog entry will be one of the hardest to write, I want to be honest and sincere because quite frankly as scary as the whole situation was I have a beautiful baby.
17th November 2015 I thought I’d lost George, I was on the boat home and I needed to pee so badly but being it was a rough crossing I stayed sat down, when the boat docked I stood up and thought I’d peed myself (not beyond me!) so I went to the toilet at the terminal and there I sat covered in my own blood. I cried and screamed in this little toilet, I called my partner who was waiting in the car park and he had to convince me to leave the cubicle. We sat silently in the car, I grabbed clean clothes from home, packed up some bits for Millie and took her to her grandfather’s before going to the hospital.
At the hospital we waited for hours and if I remember rightly we were low priority because I was miscarrying and there was nothing they could do, I could feel blood running from me and we were finally seen by the doctor who told me with all conviction that we were losing the baby. I was having a miscarriage. He offered me a referral for a scan in a few days to check that my womb was empty, I already had one booked and he confirmed I could use this. He then asked if there was anything he could say. The answer was no.
I got home and I spent what felt like hours in the shower. We bought a bottle of vodka and 20 cigarettes. I cried and cried and cried. We cried. We got daytime drunk and slept when we had exhausted ourselves crying. We had lost our baby. I cannot put into words the multitude of feelings that were circling my mind and as empathetic as I am I could never have expected this to have hurt as bad as it did. Everyone who knew were devastated, the hurt we were feeling had sent a ripple of pain through our families.
As empty as my body was feeling I’d never felt so loved, tragedy has a way of gripping everyone around you and unifying them with the notion supporting you and relieving the pain.
We have our baby, 6 days later the booked scan showed our baby. My partners first thought was it was a still from the previous appointment but no it belonged to us. There was so much going on inside at this point, I felt relieved but so scared.
It’s during times of exhaustion I need to remember that my partner helped me through this most painful time. He hid a lot of his own grief to look after me, he held me whilst I was sobbing, he reassured me that there was no fault or blame in what happened. He made the horrendous experience something that I can look back on as a point in our relationship where he put me above himself in the most selfless of ways.