Drained and dangerous.

In many cases having a baby brings on a whole heap of emotions and they don’t appear to have any correlation at the start, it was quite uncontrollable. I was happy to have my baby, I was confused about my empty body, I was running on adrenaline from the birth. As the months have gone by I look at my body with a different shock, I meet my babies eye with a full range of emotions not just joy, the feelings are all there but sometimes I still get a little consumed by them occasionally. Occasionally being daily.

What I’m trying to say is I have a lot of feelings and they fall out very often, I kinda find that’s justified being that my body has been through a trauma and my life has been tipped upside down. I cry and I laugh, often within the same hour of each other. IT IS NOT DEPRESSION. Postnatal depression is real and it is hard, I suffered from this when my first was born, but what I am going through now is normal. I have barely slept, I worry about the things I have to do and what will happen if they aren’t done, I’m anxious about work, I’m scared about every night that comes closer, I am filed with love for my baby and looking at him makes me so happy. I get nervous my oldest doesn’t get what she needs, I get nervous that I overcompensate with her and the affect that it may have. So I have the spectrum of emotions running around my body and I often don’t have the mental capacity to keep them inside my body but a good way of getting them out is to question whether I have depression.

Depression is not something to be ashamed of, it’s not something to hide, but it’s also not a issue to be thrown around lightly. I’m quite insulted when my mental health is questioned and scrutinised. Life with children is hard, you have another life pushing boundaries, draining your energy, consuming all your resources. We would not allow this from a friend, a partner or even a parent or sibling but we allow this destruction of self from our children and that is part of parenting.

Parenting is often (I don’t want to generalise) harder on the mother, I grew a baby and then I gave birth to the baby. I have given up work, I have no money, because I don’t work I’m always on the night shift, I spend a lot of time in the home, the home I clean etc etc. I resent my partner for not having the same responsibilities as me and I don’t always in my rage remember he has his own responsibilities (granted their range is not as wide as mine). I don’t have depression I just hate you temporarily sometimes and I do believe you hate me back occasionally. You need to take some culpability for my feelings as I do yours and you need to try to elevate the burden of my internal struggle with my emotions because it will help us all in the long run.

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