Mum’s Night Off

So I wanted to write a review of my first night out since being pregnant (first drinking – I hadn’t gone complete hermit). It was a great night, a night I was actually quite unprepared for having never attempted hand expressing  (a good friend had described this as ‘easy’ – thanks Bids) and I spent the whole night awake with a chest that felt like concrete. George also guzzled 34oz in less than 24hrs and we were on the first boat home in the morning!

Despite being at a beautiful wedding where I was supporting the best man I must say my favourite speech came from the Mother of the Groom (unorthodox, maybe but terrific nonetheless) it was a reading from Good Housekeeping about the requirements of a wife, it was incredibly hilarious albeit not intentionally at the time so I want to give it a modern spin, here goes.

1. Notice the housework. It take two seconds to lie about how clean the bathroom looks. It’s not the fairies and maybe try and do some?

2. That meal you love eating, you know the one? The recipe is available on BBC Food.

3. You are weary from work? I have entertained two children all day, one has regaled me with a 45 minute dream sequence that has consisted of every mystical creature you can think and the other has thrown up over every outfit I tried to wear before I just thought ‘fuck it’. WEARY? You do not know the meaning of this word.

4. Sex. Be grateful, and be ready because if you even dream to turn me down like I do you when I cannot keep my eyes open I will  hold it against you for a month, pretend to be on a drastic diet and finally have a breakdown in a bowl of ice cream

5. The children are also your responsibility, that means even though I’ll insist that I have this down and will not relinquish the baby you have to deal with the fallout of my strop that would have been completely avoidable if I’d have let you help when you’d offered.

6. Say sorry. Say sorry on behalf of the baby and children. Say sorry on behalf of the dog. Say sorry when I am in the wrong, just say fucking sorry please.

7. You will love me when I don’t love me. When I feel fat, when I have nothing nice to wear despite having a wardrobe full of pretty things. Tell me that I am important, lavish me attention even if I am on my phone.

8. Understand that I like to moan at you sometimes. Just suck it up.

9. Sometimes I wash up just to get pissed off you didn’t do it/offer. This is often done knowing you haven’t even had time to consider the need to clean the kitchen and is an unjustified argument.

10. I do actually love you. Crazy amounts and I am quite sorry about numbers 1-9.

In conclusion it’s unlikely that can actually live with us and our species would die if you lived without us but it was a jolly fine wedding, the bride looked stunning and the groom looked suitably stunned, the food and company were spectacular. Cheers and good luck.img_5921





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